I used to be one.. a softy. A kind, pleasing creature. The name tag spelled “How may I serve you”. That’s great.. I’m all for helping others, let that be clear. I’m an Ambassador of Kindness and I love helping people.
But.. there is a but… Saying NO is allowed. Even if you say it without explaining yourself. 
I guess you all know this.. “Mammy…” The sound comes from an other room in the house. You know what’s coming. A request, a wish for you to do something, or to pay for something. It’s all part of having children and teenagers in particular. They know up front that the granting of the wish isn’t 100% certain. So, they use special communication skills on you.
They wait until you are doing something with your hands, like cleaning dirt, unprepared for the discussion. They wait until you are on the phone with your best friend, in a rare free moment to share your troubles . They choose the moment when you’ve got a house full of guests and are sure that you will not resist completely with that much audience.
And than you say NO.. oops. That was not the plan. The inevitable WHY follows. . That is the exact moment you have a choice as a mother. . If you start explaining, you’ve lost. That’s when the arguing starts. The blowing away of any excuse you had and the start of the guilt trip. I started to practice. Standing my ground. Saying no and not explaining myself. It was a tough job. . No feelings of guilt, no pity, no doubting. I held on to the thought that I didn’t have to explain.
It’s hard with children, but it’s also hard with friends. Not doing what they want and not giving a full story about why you can’t do it, it Always ends with lots of questions. While practising I discovered that just letting someone know that I wouldn’t do something and ending the sentence with a dot, did the trick. If you start explaining it’s That had to do with the conviction in me that I wasn’t going to explain myself.
That’s were it get hard. If you put a story around the NO, that is actually trying to make it right that you said no. Excuses for choosing you instead of them. That’s when the other starts to question your decision.
For me it’s good to check if I feel good with the answer someone expects from me. If I doubt.. I choose the parking-modus.. Tell them I will get back on it. No one is going to be mad about that. If it doesn’t make me happy , I won’t do it. If I do say yes, than it’s a full yes and I will stand behind that decision.
