In the middle of the night, I go walking from the mountains of hope to the river of dreams. A sentence from a song by Billy Joel. In the song there’s also a sentence about the valley of fear. That’s how I see it sometimes. Life is like a river of dreams and I walk along the riverbank. Looking, hoping, wishing…
That valley of fear… I have discovered that fear is almost always an illusion. It’s the feeling of not knowing for sure and making your own story about it. What was the most frighting thing for me… not coping by myself. Not being able to provide for me or not being able to live on my own. But every time I thought ’this is the end, I can’t cope any more’, some small miracle happened. I must have had some faith in me for that to happen. I just didn’t know how it would be ok, that always came afterwards. .
Years ago I sat on the couch at my mothers house. She had asked for a meeting. I’m worried about you, she said. I lie awake at night, thinking about your life. It’s all so insecure, dear. I would like for you to have more luck in your life. It makes me sad and nervous and scared. I see the I’m my mothers nightmare. I look at her, my mother. I see that I’m doing all the things she thinks are scary. I have no steady job, no home that I own with a nice garden, I have a special child, I’m not married and my pension isn’t taken care of yet.
I told my mother that I can’t that it away for her, her fear. Her worries about my life. Her expectations about a life full of success. I walk along my own river and follow my own dreams and yes, that’s scary sometimes. Where you don’t know how things will end. The only reassuring thought is, that you will never know if you will succeed, if you never try.
Up to now I have learned much and I’ve had many adventures. That’s what makes me who I am today, someone who gets scared sometimes, but still believes that everything will work out fine for me and for the world…
I look at the mountains of hope on my walk to the river of dreams. Looking at the valley of fear and smiling.
